I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
