my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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