are you still at the devil's house?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My vagina just recognized that song.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
