I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize