The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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