defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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