she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
