i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
