there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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