Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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