Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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