the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize