Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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