My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
