Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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