You can't motorboat a personality
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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