he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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