Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
