Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize