He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
