my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You smell like a Billy Joel song
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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