I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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