Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
