Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
