9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
