This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
