Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
