You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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