I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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