hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Randomize
