I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
