I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
