I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
