You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
