I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
