absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
