So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She bit a glass in half.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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