you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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