Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I pour the whiskey from now on
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
