I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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