I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
