I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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