She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
