Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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