dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
