he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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