Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
