you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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