Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
