Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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