watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
