Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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