hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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