He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
