I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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