We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
